Personal Commentary

There are days when I feel like all the communication is one way. That all I do is dial the phone, or type the email, or make the posts. It’s me constantly reaching out and seeking the contact. It’s me that makes the effort. Like everyone is either too busy or too locked into their own misery to make the effort to see if we’re okay. There are days when I feel like that old bitchy broad who looks at the entire world and whines, “You never call.”

That’s not how it is, but there are times that this is precisely how it feels. The one way communication is not the truth—this is an emotional response to a change in my circumstances. This is me feeling like everyone else is managing better than me and the people that aren’t, may not be people that I want to deal with. Odds are that they don’t want to deal with me either when I’m not coping. Aren’t we all just tired of hearing how unhappy everyone is? Doesn’t it freak you out when someone is actually happy now? This is so not where I want to be.

I’m actually annoyed that everyone can’t read my damn mind and know that they should call me on one of those off kilter days. It’s that whiny crybaby talking—the one who just needs to know that someone out there is interested in whether I’m upright and mobile or crippled in the corner. The cranky woman who wants to remind you that just because I’m the one who usually reaches out, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make the effort in return.

The truth is that my true friends DO call. My true friends DO message me. My true friends DO make an effort. My true friends DO understand that relationships are a two-way street and both sides have to make an effort. Those efforts are not always equal or fair—that’s life. We catch up when and how we can.

I’ve put a few people on my call list as I thought this over. I’ve taken a few people off. Maybe if they call me then they can go back on. Mostly, I’m just trying to find my place in the world all over again. Life has changed and we all have to quit lamenting the passing and get on with the life we now have. If you don’t hear from me… maybe you should give me a call. You may just be the person I’ve been hoping to hear from.

Life to me seems very much like this boulder field right now. I’m sitting in the center of this, sort of stuck and uncomfortable, while out there on the fringe is all the good stuff. The cool green, the water, the trees, the birds, and the whole great busy forest of life. But here I sit.

For almost six months I have struggled to finish a book. The story is done and some of the beta readers have seen it, but I feel it’s missing something. Some elemental part of the story that I’ve missed. The betas have been great about suggestions for additions and deletions and I’ve grabbed quite a few of them. But the issue with the story remained. It’s just not exciting me.

Yesterday, it dawned on me that the problem is not the story. The problem is me. I’m not excited about much of anything. Without the contact and enthusiasm of the people around me, I’ve just been feeling a little hollow. I didn’t have much of an “out and about” life before, but I have a hell of a lot less of that life now. I can’t remember the last time I met a friend for lunch to talk about an idea for a book. I’m struggling to close out another story because I can’t figure out how we close the story we’re living through.

I’ve probably mentioned at some point that I do not like crowds. Never have. Never will. Anything more than 8-10 people is too many for me. I’ll find a corner and watch. However, that doesn’t mean that I don’t like people. I love people. I like to talk to people and hear their stories. They inspire me and make me think. They lead to crazy paths that I can then venture down in my mind and often while venturing, I bump into a story. There has been no travel, no wandering, no visiting with old and new friends, and no personal contact.

What I’ve not had is the opportunity to make the trips that I like to make every year or so. The one to sit on the patio at my friend LeiMomi’s and have a morning cup of coffee while we laugh at some obnoxious little thing. To sit across the table from Michael and Mary Ann and talk about the world as they see it. To walk on the beach in Oregon as the rain beats on the hood of my rain jacket or to walk on the sand of the Gulf Coast and stare at the aquamarine water. To sit in the Family History Library and dig through a stack of books in hopes of finding that one item that will break down my brick wall. To hug my oldest and dearest friends and suffer the free-wheeling abuse that only these people seem to be able to take as easily as they dish out.

The feeling of being adrift in a boat doesn’t apply to me. I can see the horizon. I can feel the breeze and smell that forest. But, I’m just sitting on the rocks wondering when I can get up the enthusiasm to go back. It feels like I’ve been in mourning—and I have been. Mourning the boring little life that I had before this mess.

What I need to figure out is how to toss off the mourning clothes and get back in the swing of things. I don’t want to be a cranky old broad. The world has enough Grumpy Gretas. I’m tired of hearing everyone complain—me included—when I have so little to complain about. So, I’m going to pull it together and get back to work and sort these two books out.

Time to dump my flip-flops and put my boots back on and get this show back on the road. I’ve got a good damn book, now I just need to clean it up and figure out a stinkin’ title. It’ll be great!

Once again, Dean from Liquid Reality Studios has come through again. I call and whine and make inarticulate suggestions – Dean nods and smiles (internally pointing and laughing) and comes up with something terrific in a very short time.

8 June – We decide to make a change to the site.
Dean – Do you have a theme in mind?
Me – Ummm… theme?
Dean – Theme. You know… what it looks like when you open the site.
Me – Ummm… something different, but easy and not fussy.
Dean – Have a look at this and see if you think it might work? (Sends link to a theme. I spend the evening going through the demo and looking at options.)

9 June
Me – I don’t know about the gray border.
Dean –We can change that. How about the layout? This could work really well with the book link buttons.
Me – Buttons?
Dean – On the pages that displays the book and descriptions. We can link to all the sellers. We can even set up a link for you to sell your own books that you sign if you want.
Me – I saw those. That’s cool. Is this theme easier for you?
Dean – Yes. (Spends several minutes telling me about stuff I don’t understand. He seems pretty excited about some of it.)
Me – Okay. Let’s use it.

11 June
I received a link to look at my new site. I wasn’t too excited by what I first saw. It’s got the gray border of the sample and the first block on the Home page is the “About Me” block. Ick! However, the more I look at the other things on the site, the more I like the layout and the ease. I spent some time working my way through all the stuff and clicking all the new buttons.

12 June
Me – I like a lot of it, but can we change the home page around?
Dean – Sure. (We do the Any Desk thing and he takes over my desktop so I can see what he’s doing while he asks questions.)
Me – I don’t like the gray border.
Dean – What color do you want?
Me – Ummm… not pink or purple.
Dean – Earth tones? (He does some sand colored things and I’m not excited.) How about greens?
Me – I kinda like that sage green color from the cover of Saving Emily.
Dean – No problem. (Thirty seconds later, he’s made the changes and the colors work.)

I drink coffee and answer questions as he clicks and types. As usual, I don’t have a clue what he’s doing. Fifteen minutes later, the site is basically done. We ended the call and he went to work adding new images for the books so they’d display properly. He also created a couple images for me to use on the blog to replace things that would now look wonky because of the size changes. My job was to replace the featured images on the blog pages and make sure all the text showed properly.

2 hours after we end the call, I sent him mail:
Me – Ummm… you shouldn’t trust me… I managed to delete the cover for A Shared Fear. Yes… I am a loser and embarrassed….
Dean – Fixed it. 🙂 Try not to delete ANYTHING in the top 3 rows. 🙂 Thanks.

3 hours after that mail, I received mail from him:
Dean – You apparently deleted the Parker image that I was using for the coming soon counter page. 🙂 I went ahead and updated it with the new Boots Image. 🙂 I think it looks really good. Just figured I’d let you know.
Me – Hahaha – I am a total loser.
He had the good grace not to reply.

13 June – My new site goes live and looks terrific.

There aren’t enough words to thank Dean for all he does for me when it comes to my websites and getting my books out there. There might not even be enough money for all he has to put up with from me. The poor man will have to go through it all again in a week or so when we change and upgrade my genealogy site.

Me – What does that button do?
Dean – It will make me hang up and never answer another call, email, or text from you.

I’m preparing myself for some flack on this one, but I gotta ask – Why the hell is one person’s trauma more important than someone else’s trauma?

If your trauma was obtained by being involved in combat, is it more important than the trauma that occurred in a stateside shooting at a military installation?

If you lost your leg when a tank rolled over it during maintenance in Iraq, is that loss greater than losing your leg from a tank rolling over it during pre-deployment training stateside?

If you were sexually assaulted in Afghanistan, is that more traumatic than being sexually assaulted at your home station stateside?

If you are forced to “medically retire” due to injuries sustained in combat or a terrorist attack, are they any higher priority than the same injuries sustained by someone at a home duty station from work place violence or a training accident?

This isn’t about taking anything away from anyone else. This is simply about the bigger question “Is anyone’s service less or more valuable than anyone else’s based on the type, location, or length of service?”

Here’s a football analogy that a friend of mine came up with: Equate this to the pro football player who breaks a leg in preseason training versus Joe Theisman who broke his in a game. Because Joe’s leg was broken in the heat of “combat” Joe’s injury had a greater emotional impact on the spectators. Even though both players have career ending injuries, Joe is who we remember. And if a bill were going to be passed that would authorize federal compensation – Joe’s would be the remembered and the bill authorizing compensation would state “while in a game.”

Not every infantryman will make it into combat any more than every football player will take the field during a game. But they all train for the same event at the same time and in the same way. Just as not everyone will make it into the theater of operations even if they volunteer, many of them will not make it to twenty years no matter how much they want to.

Why ask? Because it’s all about money – whether monthly income or tax breaks – it’s about equal and fair compensation.

Those who served in certain theaters of operation and for specific lengths of time are eligible for different compensation either through the VA or through their branch of service, or in some cases, through their states. I’ll just stick with the feds for now and only military retirement and VA compensation. [Don’t send mail about service connection priority and care – those are for another day.]

Here’s an example:
10 years ago, John and Bob both had 16 years in service and were both preparing to deploy for the first time to Iraq.

John loses his leg due to an on-duty accident during pre-deployment training. The military deems him medically unfit for service, and he is medically retired with 16 years of service and receives an 80% disability [just a number for an example – don’t get excited.] The VA takes the 80% out of John’s military retirement pay and gives that to him tax free. The remaining 20% is paid out as a standard military retirement and is subject to federal and state taxes. Bing, bang, boom – John’s done.

Bob deploys to Iraq for six months and comes home to finish 4 more years. He retires with 20 years of service, goes to the VA, and manages to get a 50% disability for a variety of ailments. Because he reached 20 years, Bob keeps his entire military retirement check less taxes – plus he now receives a VA check for 50% of that amount tax free. This is provided through CRDP – Concurrent Retirement Disability Pay.

John didn’t ask to be retired – John was injured in the service of his country and forced to retire before he could get his 20 years in or be deployed to a theater of operations, but he will receive many hundred dollars less per month than Bob even though he was the one who suffered the injures in service.

A May 2016 phone call to DFAS (Defense Finance Accounting Service) confirmed the following. Those who retire early (less than 20 years) do not qualify for CDRP. The current bill for pay and compensation makes NO distinction between those who are forced to retire early due to injuries/illness and those who took a voluntary early retirement.

I’m just asking the question about what we consider equal or fair.

The victims of the attack at Fort Hood have been fighting to have that event classified as a terrorist attack because this would make it combat related and give them a higher priority in getting their VA claims through the system and also (as mentioned above) probably increase the compensation levels received through their branches of service or states.

I’m all for that happening, but at the same time I question how any federal or state agency can place the needs of one service member/veteran above another who sustained injuries/illness while in the line of duty based solely on the type or the location of the event.

Why aren’t claims and disability based on the simple triage method? The guy who has his leg blown off gets taken care of before the guy who has a broken toe. Trust me – no one wants to the blue falcon that bumps the guy in desperate need of compensation and care.

It shouldn’t matter where the guy was when he lost his leg? Nor should how much time the guy had in service matter. If the person is medically retired due to injury or illness received in service, then he should get the retirement check he earned based on his grade and time served, and any VA compensation awarded, should be above and beyond that retirement check. That’s equal and fair.

Trauma is trauma, pain is pain, and sacrifice is sacrifice. The guy who didn’t get chosen to go downrange and the people who get shot at stateside shouldn’t be treated in any way less than the guy who did get sent. We preached every day that the guy sitting in the missile silo is no less important than the man operating the drone or the guy in the field calling for the airstrike. Hazardous duty and combat pay make sense while you are in the theater of operations doing those jobs, but when people retire (whether after their 20 or sooner by order) and turn up on the doorstep of the federal and state governments to be compensated – no one’s elephant is bigger.