I hate New Year’s Resolutions. I think they are the biggest damn waste of my time that ever was. They rate right up there with those silly quizzes in the women’s magazines. You know the ones that ask stupid stuff like, “Do you know how to keep your man happy?” Hell, no! I have no idea what makes him happy on any given day. I’ve been married to him for 28 years and it’s still a damn mystery. “Do you dress for success?” Um, heeelllllooooo! There’s a reason I chose the military. In case you haven’t noticed, Uncle Sam sorta takes fashion and choice out of the equation. The simple answer in case you missed it is NO. I like sitting around in jeans or jammies when I write. What’s it to ya anyway?
As you can see – New Year’s makes me cranky. I went to online banking because I hated writing the wrong year on my checks for the first three months of the year. Don’t even get me started on the whole New Year’s Eve thing. What is the point of starting off the New Year puking your guts out and being hung over? Did it once and learned my lesson.
Where was I? Oh yeah… resolutions. I finally quit doing the resolution thing a couple of years ago. I made the same ones every year. Literally, year after year.
1. Lose weight. I do. And then I gain it back so I have to do it all over again.
2. Be nicer. I am. Then I go out in public or watch the news and that one’s over with.
3. Be kinder. It’s different than nicer, but the same thing happens.
4. Quit speeding. I do. But then I remember how much fun it is and I begin to channel Lori.
5. Cook healthier meals. Refer to #1.
What I finally realized was that every year I was setting myself up for failure and a boatload of self-loathing. I already know that I’m going to screw all those things up so why did I put them on a list and say I was going to do them. I thought if I put them out there then I’d be too embarrassed not to do them. Then I realized that almost everyone I know was failing at them too. Sure, there’s a couple over-achievers that you want to smack at the end of the year, but for the most part, we all make resolutions that are hard to keep.
Now I make a list of stuff that I can and will do. It’s nothing fancy, but I like the idea of starting out the year with the probability of success. My friend Dean likes to say that I’m aiming low to avoid any real expectation, but we all know that I’m just avoiding the disappointment of not meeting my goals.
So these are my resolutions for 2013 –
1. I will not step on my scale more than once a month. The damn thing just annoys me so I don’t know why I’d want to spend any real time with it. It’s rude, obnoxious, and the little bastard lies.
2. I will step away from anyone who I can’t be nice to or won’t be nice to me. Both in person and online. In person, this will save me the hassle of calling Mr. Scott to pick me up after arraignment, and online, it will keep me from leaving a permanent trail that can be used against me in a court of law.
3. I will adopt a dog this year because I have no trouble being kind to a dog. I like them better than most of the people I encounter. Dogs like me, and they don’t care if I’m overweight, have no fashion sense, curse too much, and don’t give a rat’s ass about dusting.
4. I will keep my one living houseplant alive for another year. It helps that it’s a cactus, but it’s still a challenge to me.
5. I will hoard three-way incandescent light bulbs. I hate those new squiggle damn things.
6. I will not go back to doing things that I have already managed to give up doing. Therefore, I will not be smoking, seriously drinking, or jogging. If I take up jogging again, you can bet that I’m drinking heavily.
7. I will lower my head and not look directly at the other driver when I call him a freaking useless Asshat that can’t drive to save his soul. I’m getting too old to get out of the car and beat the hell out of people. It’s also not as easy as it used to be to beat up on those old white-haired ladies since more of them are going to the gym and eating healthy.
8. I will not eat any beets or lima beans. I don’t like them. I don’t want them. And as an adult – I don’t have to eat the damn things if I don’t wanna.
9. I will avoid daytime television, reality television, and anything with wives, bachelors, survivors, gold hunting, trucking, crabbing, axe, or swamp in the premise or title. I’ve suffered enough brain damage from the serious drinking and I don’t need to add to it with this useless drivel.
10. And finally, I will stay at least one-half mile away from Sam Elliott. The restraining order was quite clear about the distance, and I’m pretty good at following rules when there are consequences.
That’s it. Those are my ten resolutions for the coming year. I know that I can keep them. Now all you have to do is keep yours. Happy New Year and best wishes for the coming year.